The Black Dog

I had to get on tonight, and write some thoughts down. First of all, I absolutely and definitely LOVE being married. And especially to Wes. He is so great and I love him so much. There is no way I could've ever imagined how much love I would feel for one person! We have been married almost 9 months now, can you believe it?! It has been some of the hardest but also some of the happiest and most rewarding 9 months of my life. I don't think I can say truthfully that I've enjoyed every single minute of being married...but I can for sure say that everything that has happened up to this point has made us stronger as a couple and as individuals and has helped us depend more on each other than ever before.

I saw a video the other day that personified depression in a way I've never seen or understood before. I wouldn't say that I have a big depression problem, but I do know that there are days that I have a hard time cheering up and getting out of myself and being happy. And I think that is probably true for a lot of people. It's the nature of being human. Anyways, this video personified depression as a black dog. It'll make a lot more sense to watch the video rather than me trying to explain it:

I really like the understanding that I gained from watching this video. It helps me put into perspective what I'm feeling day by day and, even though it doesn't make everything better in the blink of an eye, it helps me know that things will/can be better tomorrow and that my life isn't defined by the black dog that is always close by.

Admitting that I have days where the black dog is overwhelming is hard but at the same time, I can't deny it. Those days are pretty obvious and it affects everyone around me. I try to hide them but how can you hide a black dog when he seems to be the size of an elephant? But I think admitting it and being open about it is the best way. At least that's what I have been learning, slowly but surely. There are days and days that are filled with so much joy and love I feel like I could burst. And then there are black dog days where I feel like crawling in a hole and burying myself. But when I try and communicate openly to Wes what I am feeling, I feel like I recover faster and get the black dog under control better than when I keep it all to myself. Also, I don't think it's fair to Wes when I close up and become emotionally distant. He has no idea what's going on inside of my head so he just distances himself from me too, and that gets us nowhere. The times I am happiest is when we rely on each other and are honest about what we are feeling.

What I am also realizing, however, is that there is another part of the solution that I need to incorporate more in my life. And that is the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know the my Savior died for me and that He lived through my sorrows and pains. I believe that He really lived and that He really knew me by name and face and that He chose to give His life so that I have someone who knows what I am going through. I've been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints my whole life, but it is the very personal experiences that I have gone through that have brought my testimony to where I am today. And I'm grateful to know the things that I know but I need to do a better job of applying them to what I'm going through now. I need to remember my Savior more often and take advantage of the amazing blessing it is to have Him in my life.